How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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