where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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