Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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