when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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