at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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