Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
