Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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