about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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