Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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