im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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