No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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