1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
babies were throwing up all over the place
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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