The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
