He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
