I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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