So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
