Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
