Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
BRING THE BAGELS
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
