a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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