Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
high people should be assigned attendants
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
