You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
