new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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