Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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