The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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