to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
