I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
