I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
