saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
