So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
