I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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