I got chris browned last night
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
