I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
