No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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