I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
