I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
