Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
