I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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