You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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