Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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