You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
