Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
