That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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