Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
