just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
