I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I am morally bankrupt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
whose parrot is this?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
