I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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