Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
