My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
