If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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