Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
